What would you talk about if someone were actually listening to you?

Honestly, I grew up not telling or sharing stories about my life with others. That’s because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I was raised well; my grandmother and parents took good care of me. But I didn’t grow up in an environment where I was encouraged to share or open up about my feelings. So, I’ve carried this with me until now.

I didn’t have any real friends in elementary or high school. Sure, I had people to hang out with, but I saw them as just ordinary friends or acquaintances. There was no deep understanding between us that would allow us to share our thoughts and feelings with each other. Even now, when I have what I can consider my circle of friends, I still find it hard to open up to them. I don’t even know why. I guess I’m just not used to it.

If someone were truly listening to me right now, I would tell them that I am sad. I’m sad because I feel like i have no direction in life. That I’m almost forty years old and still have nothing to be proud of. That I’m sad because even though I want to break free from this situation, it feels like I’m stuck here. That I’m sad because I still don’t know what I really want in life.

My family and friends think I’m okay. They think that I have a decent job, that I’m happy even though I’m single, that I’m content even if I don’t go out of the house often… but that’s not true. When I’m alone, I’m always worried. I stay up until the early hours of the morning because I don’t want to feel the anxiety hit me once I lie down and start thinking about my personal issues. I spend my time watching random videos to distract myself from my worries. I let my imagination wander until I get tired and fall asleep. At least, that way, I don’t have to think anymore.

Sometimes I think about just disappearing. That I wish I hadn’t been born, so there would be one less person feeling this way.

So, if there’s someone who genuinely wants to listen to me, I hope they won’t get tired of it. I hope they won’t judge me and say, “You’re just sad” or “You’re just lazy.” I hope they won’t interrupt me while I’m sharing. I’m not asking them for advice or anything. I just really want someone to listen.

Note: I wrote this a year ago. I am now forty, and everything is still the same. The only difference is now, I don’t think about disappearing. I try to live every day, find things to be happy and stay positive. That’s a good thing, right?

Hinggil sa taho

Taho ang pambansang agahan namin ng mga kaibigan ko nung nagko-call center pa kami. Pagpatak ng alas singko ng umaga, diretso agad kami sa labas ng gate sa may Jupiter St. at nakaabang na dun si kuyang magtataho. Madalas nakakadalawang malaking baso ako ng taho, at minsan kahit pag-uwi ko at nakakasalubong ako ng magtataho ay nakakabili’t nakakakain pa. Awa naman ni Lord ay di naman sumasakit ang tiyan ko.

Hindi ko talaga gusto ang taho. Naalala ko nung highschool kahit anong pilit ng tropa kong pakainin ng taho ay sinusuka to talaga siya. Kahit tokwa ayaw na ayaw ko, kasi parang ngumunguya ako ng basang papel. Pero noong lumuwas ako para magtrabaho kinailangan ko siyang kainin. Dahil may mga panahong wala akong pera. At taho, at tokwa ang mura.

Ngayon, gustong-gusto ko na sila. Paborito ko na sila.

Pero sa ngayon ay madalang na lang akong makakain ng taho. Dahil dito sa aming lugar sa probinsiya hindi araw-araw ay may maririnig kang “tahoooooo!” sa kalsada. Kaya naman kaninang may dumaang magtataho, dali-dali akong lumalabas para bumili. Kahit bente pesos ang isang baso niya ay ayos na rin. Choosy pa ba ako.

When your blog goes on retirement

When I started blogging, I only had the goal of pouring my grief over my dead cat. Blogging used to be a way to explore interests, a personal online journal of some sorts (unlike today, blogging is either dead or used for marketing business). Over time, I begin to like blogging- writing and sharing thoughts that comes to my mind, even my own hobbies and interests.

Blogger used to be the best platform for beginners like me because it’s easy to navigate. And during peak blogging years I have opened and read so many blogs that offer their insights and their hobbies. You can just log in to your account, write, publish, and that’s it. But of course, a blogger also gets busy with life, with new ventures, family and other personal matters. So, what happens when bloggers decide to stop writing and the updates stop coming?

In my case, I deleted my first blog. Nowadays I still see some archived screenshots of it. Others decide to archive their works by letting it live online until whenever (or until Google decides to shut down Blogger). Just like Susan Scott and Loretta Chase’s Two Nerdy History Girls blog. It’s one of the blogs I’ve been checking out and reading since it opened late 2000s. Through their posts, I discovered and read some of the novels they’ve recommended.

Rhonda Hetzel’s Down To Earth blog also went into retirement a few months ago. I used to read her posts about her home and garden, and her insights to simple and frugal living. Another blog I used to follow, How About Orange decided to archive the blog 11 years ago. I first discovered this blog when I was searching online for patterned wallpapers. The owner, Jessica Jones is a designer shares her works, and I was drawn to it (also because orange is my favorite color). She offers tutorials and lovely printables which are still online.

With today’s era of business-centric and AI generated articles and posts, it’s still nice to see bloggers genuinely writing and sharing what they love online. And I’m even more thankful to these bloggers I mentioned, because unlike me, they decide to keep their blogs online for people to read and become sources. Well, to be fair, my old blog isn’t really ‘educational’, so best to have it off the internet.

I feel like I don’t belong to anyone’s memories (a.k.a Geloy Concepcion’s words that resonate with me as the ‘background friend’)

I feel like I don’t belong in anyone’s memories.

I’m such a bland person. So generic, just someone on the sides during get-togethers. A filler when someone’s needed. The last option when there’s really no one else. I don’t even know why I see myself this way.

I feel like I don’t contribute anything to the things happening around me. When I’m at gatherings with people whom I consider friends, I try to join in, start conversations, laugh with them. But eventually, I end up in the background again, just smiling and nodding along to their stories. And even though I remember a lot of memories with my friends during those moments, sometimes I wonder… do they remember anything about me? Do I matter to them at all?

Sometimes I blame myself, because I’ve always been like this. I wish that even just once; I could’ve stood out a bit. Maybe then they’d remember me. But maybe they will, in a way. “Oh, that one who’s always smiling, the one who just nods, always in the back, that person…” At least they’ll remember me, right? Better than nothing. Hahaha, what an annoying thought.

Anyway, I don’t want to self-pity. Sometimes I just wonder what I really am in the eyes of the people around me.